Why, What for, How ?

Why, What for, How?

Aziz Nesin

A man and his wife walked into one of the most luxurious restaurants in town. Some men dressed in clothes like those of the old time marshals’ uniform opened the doors, took the overcoats of those entering the restaurant and showed them in.

The saloon of the restaurant was as big as an opera-hall. The man and the woman sat down at a table. The lights of the chandeliers hanging from the ceiling above dazzled the man’s eyes. They were stepping on the carpets with rich tuft. The starched white napkin was as large as a pillowcase. The waiter brought three forks, two spoons and two knives for each of them.

They ordered the meal.

There was music. The person who was playing the piano was out of sight. The violinist was behind the microphone. He must have been over his fifties. He was wearing glasses.

― “This the violinist …” the woman said.

― “Exactly…” the man said, “he will be playing here every night.”

― “I wonder if he still has any hopes left?...” the woman said.

― “From time to time his hopes are broken. But generally he is hopeful. Especially when he drinks…”

― “His hope when he first took up the violin…”

― “Maybe it is completely lost.”

― “Maybe he believes that he hasn’t been understood.”

― “Maybe that’s really the case.”

― “Everybody is a little bit like that…”

A group of ten people, men and women, came and sat at a long table next to them. There were four men sitting at the table on their left.

The man said to his wife;

― “I’m bored…”

― “Because of the lights,” the woman said, “they are too bright.”

First, the man untied the knot of his tie and then he undid his collar button.

― “Maybe you are bored because of the music…”

― “No,” the man said, “I’m bored because of the atmosphere. It’s very oppressive...”

The man was watching those who were eating their meals. The face of the man eating on the right side of him was covered with smoke. Then that face turned into a head of a rhinoceros. An enormous rhinoceros head. A rhinoceros with a human body had come to the restaurant and was eating a meal. Its jaws were opening wide, its cheeks were puffing up, then a big lump was sliding down his throat.

The head of an elderly woman had also turned into a head of a wild boar.

― “I’m bored … “ the man said.

― “Because it is hot …” the woman said, “there is cigarette smoke also.”

The man saw a head of a mule at the opposite table.

He said to his wife:

― Just look at them; they are all animals. Ugly, wild animals. Look at that woman. Isn’t she an orangutang?

― “That’s what you think,” his wife said, “it is because you are bored.”

― “What would the world lose if people in this restaurant dropped dead, now suddenly dropped dead?”

― “You used to like people.”

― “I like people, people … When a human being dies, the world should lose something.”

― “They may be thinking the same thing for you,” his wife said. I am sure they are saying, ‘so what if that guy died?’”

― “No … they don’t think. Look at that one whose eyes had grown as small as pin-heads. He hasn’t got any worries on this earth. Such a person can’t think. He wouldn’t know how to think…”

The hyena next to him was biting the cutlet as if it were the thigh of a calf.

― “They have their own problems too, of course.”

― “So they have … Only their own problems. A wolf has its own problems as well.”

After a while the man said again:

― “I feel as if I were being strangled...”

His wife said, “Let’s go out...”

― “Do you know what I feel like doing?” the man said. “I wish I were a giant among these animal faced people. Then I would stand at the door of the restaurant and put everybody sitting here through a test.”

While he was saying these things the man suddenly cried out,

― “My hands are getting bigger!...”.

― “You are getting taller too …” his wife said.

The chair the man was sitting on cracked.

― “Oh my God, what’s happening to you like this?” the woman said, “How big you have grown!”

In his seat the man was becoming bigger, growing larger and getting taller. The man, who had turned into a giant, suddenly jumped up from his seat and blocked the restaurant door. Then he shouted,

― “Heeeey!...”

The whole place shook with the sound. The people in the restaurant stopped eating and talking.

The woman in a begging voice said to her husband who was blocking the door,

― “Let’s go...”

The man shouted at the people in the restaurant:

― “Get into a line, all of you! I’m going to put you through a test...”

The people in the restaurant, because they were so frightened, formed a line in front of the man who was as big as four men now. The man asked the one standing at the head of the line:

― “Why?”

When the man couldn’t give him the answer, he hit him on the face with the back of his hand.

― “Get out! ...” he shouted.

He asked the next man in the line,

― “What for?”

When he couldn’t get an answer, he kicked the man on the ass and sent him out of the door. Then he asked the third person standing in the line:

― “How?”

When he couldn’t get an answer, he spat on the man’s face.

He said to a fat woman,

― “Who?...”

None of those in the restaurant was able to answer the questions of “Why, what for, how, who?” and the huge man threw them out with humiliating words.

Among the crowd, there rose a voice like a whizzing sound,

― “We should also ask him some questions...”

This whizzing sound caused a waving movement among the crowd.

All of them cried out,

― “Let us ask him questions!...”

One of them asked the huge man,

― “I’m a driver; tell me now, do you know how to pump air into an automobile tire?”

The man kept silent. He kept silent but his body got smaller, his height got a bit shorter like a deflating baloon. Then a woman said to the huge man,

― I’m a whore. Tell me now, how many positions you can take in bed!”

The man couldn’t answer this question either. He got smaller. He got much shorter. As he grew smaller, the people who were asking him the questions he could not answer were getting taller and bigger.

One of them came forward and asked,

― “Tell me now, when you are earning three hundred Turkish pounds per month, how can you spend three thousand Turkish pounds in a month?”

The man couldn’t answer this question, either. He wasn’t able to answer any of the questions.

― “Now, you are back to your former height and size¸ let’s go...” his wife said.

― “Right,” the man said, “I’m going to disappear completely by getting smaller and smaller. Let’s go before some other people ask me some other questions and before I disappear completely.”

The man and his wife went out. A cool breeze hit their faces.

― “They too must exist,” the woman said, “they too must live. If they didn’t exist, you wouldn’t be here, there wouldn’t be this uneasiness of yours.”

The man muttered to himself:

― “Why? What for? Where? When?”

Çev: Deniz Gündoğan